“IN THE END, WE WILL REMEMBER NOT THE WORDS OF OUR ENEMIES, BUT THE SILENCE OF OUR FRIENDS.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

Following the most recent gay teen suicides, there has been a great deal of publicity about bullying and violence against gay, lesbian and the transgender teens.  It is sad that it took the deaths of these young people to finally get people to focus on the tragedy of teen suicide and the problem of hate crimes against the LGBT community.  But, a larger point is being missed.

It is easy for people to be outraged by the actions of Tyler Clementi’s roommate, or by a Congressional aid posting “All faggots must die” on a popular LGBT blog.  However, these outrageous acts of hatred did not occur in a vacuum.  They were fueled by the more insidious acceptance of institutionalized bigotry by political leaders, religious leaders and the public at large and by legalized discrimination existing in laws such as Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (“DADT”), and anti-gay marriage laws such as the Defense of Marriage Act (“DOMA”) and Prop 8.

Anti-gay bullying doesn’t start in a school or on a playground, it starts in a pulpit – when a religious leader such as Pope Benedict describes gays as “intrinsically disordered” and refuses to support a UN ban on criminalization of homosexuality.   Or, when the Catholic Church states that same gender marriages will cause the “downfall of civilization.”  Or, when Pastor Rick Warren compares gay and lesbian relationships to incest and is then invited to speak at a presidential inauguration.  Hatred starts when a US Senator says gays and lesbians should not be allowed to teach.  Or, when a state makes it illegal for us to adopt a child.  Or, when a hospital will let someone die alone while her partner is kept out because they are not in “a gay friendly state.”

The anti-gay message from these individuals and organizations is damaging enough, but it is no more damaging than the President failing to end legalized discrimination and prejudice such as DADT and failing to support our constitutional right to equal protection under the law in the form of marriage equality.

We can shake our fists all we want about bullying and these terrible suicides, but we cannot ignore the underlying institutional discrimination that supports and encourages them.  The message is out there every single day – you are not equal, you are less.  If priests and pastors and presidents can bully and mistreat you, so can your peers.  And worse, your parents and your family and your friends will continue to attend those churches, and support those pastors and pundits and candidates as if it does not matter to them at all.

In this environment, when one can turn on CNN or Fox News and hear all the gay bashing you want disguised as “pro-family” or “protection of traditional marriage”, how can we expect the bullying and suicides to end.  The homophobia and anti-gay bullying and bigotry will not end until the public at large, including our “friends” stop supporting it in all of its forms.  Silence kills.